I love films that have a “flower on the wall” POV. Intimate, behind the curtain, beyond the veil, just BEING type of art. Every movement, every look, every silent moment means something pretty major…to the character and therefore to the audience. Malcolm & Marie, one of the newest offerings from Netflix starring Zendaya and John David Washington, is one of these films. And I loved it….as a film. As a woman…as a conduit of love….it was difficult to watch.
I wrote a social media post after experiencing the film…
“Anyone who has ever been in a mind-blowing.passionate.frustrating.
soulish.entwined.dysfunctional.adorin’ relationship will both LOVE and be traumatized by #malcolmandmarie on @netflix”
One of the superpowers of The Arts is to SHOW and TELL in such a creative way that the work serves as a mirror. Artists of all kinds, filmmakers actors musicians painters writers comedians dancers… they help us to SEE ourselves from an angle that perhaps, on our own, would be left in the blind spot.
Mai Lessons from Malcolm & Marie
- Recognize what LOVE is and what it’s not. Maybe Malcolm & Marie do really love each other. They had their moments. But let’s keep it real. Most of the film did not depict LOVE. At least not a healthy love by my definition. And many of us have experienced this type of dysfunction…we’ve actively participated in it. Justified it. Glorified it. Accepted it. I have come to recognize that verbal and psychological abuse received or inflicted on your “lover” is not how you truly love someone.
- When ANGRY or HURT, be honest immediately but take a moment to process. And don’t allow the other person to pull you into a fight out of their own “need to know”…especially when they already know. At the beginning of the film, Marie tried to hold her peace, at least verbally, but Malcolm kept pushing the button…poking the bear I call it. He knew why her “energy” was off and instead of giving her the space to get over it…he pushed. Not for her. For himself. He wanted to “celebrate” with her privately AFTER downplaying her publicly. She acquiesced into what was obviously their “routine”.
- HEALTHY CONFLICT RESOLUTION, COMMUNICATION & FIGHTING FAIR are like Water. You can’t survive…thrive without it. I remember a woman talking about her battle with cancer. She said she RARELY consumed water but drank coffee like it was. She lived for many years like this but eventually unhealthy habits caught up to her and almost destroyed her entire life…until she CHANGED. A lot of relationships are on life support because of not prioritizing developing and USING healthy life skills when having conflict with their lover. It is ABSOLUTELY UN-loving to not only them, but oneself! Both Malcolm & Marie, more than once, collapsed in exhaustion from the ranting and raving. Having to have the last word, hitting in all the soft vulnerable spots. The rollercoaster was brutal.
- LOVE is supposed to be SAFE. Not perfect. Not static. Not one dimensional. But safe. If in your own dysfunction, pain or hurt, your “go to” is to use personal information you’ve gathered about your lover to emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sometimes physically annihilate them….you are no longer a safe space. The trust is broken and you are no longer LOVE. Even if they stay, they will never give you the same space in their heart. The end of Malcolm & Marie showed that it still wasn’t over…specifically for her. Early morning peace and meditation…gathering of strength, clarity to see, courage to change.
- LOVE is SIMPLE. Our ISSUES complicate it. Do unto others as you’ll have them do unto you. If that ain’t a match, DON’T do unto others what you know will hurt them…even if it wouldn’t hurt you. Prefer. Give. Assist. Acknowledge. Encourage. See. Value. Thank. Be kind. Protect…their heart.
The last part of my social media post said…
“I watched last night and both loved it….and was traumatized. PTSD dies hard when it comes to love experiences. Utterly exhausting. I would not want to be Malcolm nor Marie in real life….ever again. Selah.“
Did you watch the film? What were your thoughts? Comment below.