I gingerly place one foot and then the other on the soft gray carpet. Trying to wake up after yet another late night of one too many educational Youtube videos. I dig my toes in. I’m in need of a pedicure…badly. (Damn you Covid). I finally make my way to the bathroom, eyes half-mast. The image of my naked body in the full length mirror cause me to pause.
2020 was supposed to be the “Year of Perfect Vision”. Most didn’t see all of the unexpected “extra” that was coming with it though. Including the extra pounds, fluff, curves…whatever you want to call it…most of us got some “weight” in more ways than one.
There was a time when I thought (and was told quite rudely) that I was “too skinny”. No butt, legs, chest…just a slight pair of hips walking. It used to bother me. As I’ve matured, so has my body. Then the fight became not to get “fat”. Working from home for 9 months straight without any of my regular “natural” exercise has been challenging. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to randomly burst into jumping jacks, kicks or squats after the nerves in my behind went numb from sitting at my desk for hours.
Truth be told it didn’t start in 2020. The moment my womanhood showed up, the fight was on to stay the…same.
Now I’m staring at myself…my 46 year old self. There’s scars. Some old and faint with a story attached. A few are fresh and new, still tender to the touch…visible to most eyes. While the rest are hidden soul stains that only I uncover at will. I observe the curve of the hips, touch the shape of the back and front, the roundness of the bottom, thighs…even my breasts seem to have filled out. I realize I LIKE what I see. Not just physically.
Each new year calls for a personal theme. I don’t force it…usually comes organically. In 2020, I simply embraced the cutesy cliche that I heard everywhere as my theme too. But as I observe the physical and spiritual changes in myself, I realize my TRUE personal word for 2020 was RESILIENCE.
the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. 2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.
Last week, I finally received my word for 2021. Like a brushing of lips across my ear…I heard it.
LIBERATED.
In 2021, I am LIBERATED from:
comparison.fear.negativity.not-good-enoughness.numbness.PeoplePleasing.perfectionism.pressure.rejection.
I am LIBERATED to:
Adventure.Acceptance.Authenticity.Change.Create.Fulfillment.Grace.Gratitude.Satisfaction.LOVING MYSELF UNAPOLOGETICALLY….scars and all.
I heard a minister say recently that the YEAR changed, but the SEASON did not. It’s still Winter time…the same Winter from 2020. As we move deeper into this year with the same uncertainty that met us last year, I pray that we are all truly RESILIENT and LIBERATED….because we will surely need to be BOTH. Selah.